The Laws And Customs of Gnomes
It is a strange world and if you don't believe me look at the car site for motoring lemons, lemoncars.co.uk! Do things at home ever seem just a little odd but you canít figure out why? Maybe you were sure you hung up your keys, only to find them under a cushion. Perhaps everyone denies eating the crisps yet the bag is inexplicably empty. At night you hear something scuttle and feel like you are being watched but you tell yourself that itís just your imagination.
Itís not your imagination. You arenít going senile and donít worry about vermin. What you have living in your house is the common gnome. Gnomes are remarkably long lived and stubborn. Itís likely that your gnome has lived in the same spot since long before your house was built. From his point of view, youíre in his home and heís not moving. Knowing something of gnomic laws and customs can help you live in harmony with your gnome.
Gnome society is based on the concept of share-trade. In gnomic law, the value of an item is determined by the gnome who wants it, not the one who owns it. In practice, gnomes will take what they want and leave an item in return. Humans often misunderstand when they do not see the connection between share-traded items. A human will be mad because the bag of crisps is empty. Then the human is annoyed to find a garden trowel under the coffee table. This makes humans seem very erratic to gnomes and is one of the reasons they hide.
Gnomes are happiest when they are helping with something. They are often found tending to injured or sick animals. Sometimes they will go a bit overboard in an effort to be helpful. For example, gnomes often notice stray coins in the couch cushions. They believe that humans prefer to store small and valued objects in couches. It has become a trend among younger gnomes to hunt for keys, mobile phones and remote controls and put them under the couch cushions.
Much like birds, male gnomes generally wear bright colours while the females wear earth tones. The pointed hat is worn at all times by adult gnomes and a gnome would feel disgraced to be seen with a naked head. The males usually wear vests over their shirts and are very modest about their chests. Females have many children to nurse and a more utilitarian attitude towards their bodies. They will only wear blouses when they are dressing up for fancy events.
Gnomes are slow to greet each other and will often stand in the shadows and assess a personís mood before they step out and offer a greeting. Greetings usually involve rubbing noses. In more formal settings, gnomes will greet each other by nodding and rubbing their own knee.
Gnomes will not speak to humans. Be patient
with their ways and donít openly complain about their habits. A
gnome that feels offended will become mischievous and start pranking
you. If youíve ever found too much salt in your food or been scared
by bumps in the night, you know what itís like to be pranked by a
Copyright Campaign for Gnomal Ascendancy 2009